Recently, while checking my Facebook page, I read a post that basically stated that we should proactively refuse to feel sorry for ourselves, because when we feel sorry for ourselves we make ourselves the victim rather than the victor. Let me say that I understand and appreciate the author’s encouragement and I agree that we take on the role of the victim when we feel sorry for ourselves. However, the author said that no matter what’s happened in our lives, we should never feel sorry for ourselves. Really?
I happen to believe that most of us feel sorry for ourselves from time to time. AND, there are times that we have every right to feel sorry for ourselves! Things happen. BAD things happen sometimes. And, when they do, it is common to experience self-pity.
Most likely, each of us has experienced life-changing, heart-wrenching events. For me, we lost our oldest son in an automobile accident when he was just 16 years old. I can honestly tell you that there were moments when I felt extremely sorry for myself. I needed to give in to the urge to pity myself. Grief is necessary and therapeutic to a degree. It’s okay! It’s normal! So, if you are dealing with something bad in your life, I say, “Go ahead, feel sorry for yourself for a little while.”
But, here’s the key. You should only allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself for a little while! There’s a difference in feeling sorry for yourself for a little while and wallowing in self-pity. The trick to a healthy pity party lies in the ability to shut down the party and get yourself out of that pity party mode.
The fact is, your happiness comes down to the decision you make. You can either stay there and be miserable, or determine to move past it. You have the power of choice.
I didn’t say it would be easy. I said it is a choice, a determination, a commitment to move forward. Bigger thinking, mindset tools can help. Here are a few:
- Examine the cause of your unhappiness.
¾ Is it honestly a huge life event that warrants feeling sorry for yourself for a period of time? Or, have you greatly exaggerated the problem or event? Is the underlying cause something you can change or not?
- Examine yourself.
2. Is this one of life’s unexpected happenings that you can take no responsibility for the fact that it happened? We tend to blame others when things go wrong or when we get hurt. Is there any way that you might have part ownership in the cause of the happening? Did you contribute in some way? Did you set yourself up for hurt? If an honest self-evaluation finds that you may have had a part, then determine what changes you can make to improve your circumstances going forward.
3. Let me give you a few examples for consideration.
If you feel that someone is ignoring you and you feel left out, ask yourself some hard questions. Are you a complainer? Are you a Drama Queen or a Drama King? Are people avoiding you because they are tired of the complaining and the drama? Do you take the time to speak to them when you see them? Do you take the time to pick up the phone and call them from time to time? Do you take an interest in what is going on in your friend’s lives? It takes being a friend to keep a friend. All relationships take work to keep them flourishing. Have you done your part? Examine yourself. What changes can you make?
Do you have a problem saying no? Have you agreed to do too much? Do you take on projects and then feel overwhelmed and depressed? I totally understand – I have a very hard time saying no and I tend to take on too many projects. Once I was going over my upcoming responsibilities with a good friend who wanted me to take a shopping trip with her. She gave me a wake-up call when she asked me this question, “Who is the person who put all those things on your calendar?” Yep, that would be ME!
- Remind yourself that everyone has challenges in life… you are not alone. Recently I was talking with a friend who is having problems with her grown son who struggles because of brain injuries sustained when he was about eight years old. Before our conversation ended, we both reminded each other that everyone we know has some sort of personal challenges to deal with in their lives.
- Focus on your blessings! It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are filled with gratitude! When you are feeling down, begin to list everything good in your life.
- Find the good in the bad. Take a look at your situation or event. Think about how it could have been worse. You can always find some sliver of good in the bad if you look hard enough for it.
- Make a plan to change the things you can change.
- Pray about what you can’t change. Ask God for strength and courage. Perhaps this is the load that life has given you to carry. It can be an opportunity to do some good in this world. Ask God to help you carry your heavy load well… to carry it in such a way that it will glorify His name and serve the greater good.
- Continue on. When you fall down, get back up! There are mountains that we must climb in life. Sometimes we climb the same mountain over and over again. We climb part of the way only to lose our footing and slip back down. Yet, with each attempt we climb a little higher and slip a little less. The important thing is to keep trying… over and over again. And, one day, all the hard work, all the pain and struggle will be worth it when we finally stand on the summit and take in the view.
